This morning I cried while doing yoga.
I put off doing yoga for three days because I was a bit afraid of this sequence (which was tough and included half moon, elbow balance, headstand, camel, and bow). However, I conquered elbow balance and headstand, celebrated in child’s pose, and then flowed into downward dog. That’s when I noticed my knees.
I figure everyone has some part of their body that they hate irrationally and for no reason. For me it is my knees. First of all, they are fat. I mean look at all that skin. Second, I fell down when I was 12 and very badly skinned them. (I was chasing after a boy at the ballpark who was trying to get away from me.) So they are scarred from that. Third, I tore my ACL in 2005 and had to have it repaired, which means that I now have scars from the surgery as well. Truly awful.
For some reason, there in downward facing dog, staring at my knees, I recalled all of the emotion from that day in the ballpark. All of the desperation to be liked, all of the insecurity that lead to the desperation, all of the stubbornness that lead me to keep chasing him even though he was not worth my time. And I sank into hero and cried.
After the tears were released, I finished the sequence and only one mantra played over and over in my head. “I am safe, calm, and secure. I am safe, calm, and secure.” It sounded like the beat of the loudest drum.
Getting over the pain from the past can be tough.
But I choose to release the trauma behind the emotions of stubbornness, insecurity, and desperation. I choose success. I choose flexibility. I choose dignity. Words, especially when combined with essential oils, can be powerful at unlocking the very pain that prevents us from seeing ourselves as clearly as possible. The pain that keeps us from the awakening that is in all of us.
The knees are a symbol of flexibility. (Imagine your legs without knees? We would all be boards from our hips to our feet, unable to sit, only squat or lie down). Pain or disorder in the knees may result when there is too much ego, stubbornness, or pride, when we do not want to bend to authority or are simply inflexible.
The legs are what propel us forward, and troubles with the legs can indicate a fear of moving forward. This is so me. People have called me stubborn for years. I was told during an interview once that someone found me rigid and inflexible. I had too much pride and just went skiing without any lessons and tore my ACL. And, oh, the ego. The words on the school bus still scream loud in my ear “When I say Lindsey, you say know-it-all. Lindsey! Know-it-all! Lindsey! Know-it-all!”
Thank God for these knees, all fat and scarred. Without them, what would I be? I’m grateful that I have (with age and courage) dismantled some of my bad habits of stubbornness, have traveled far too much to remain rigid and inflexible, and have gained the consciousness that ego is merely a facade for insecurity.
I choose success. I choose flexibility. I choose dignity.
I share my heart with you here in the hopes that you too can learn to appreciate exactly who you are and give away any desire to change what is unique and special about you. Even if the guys at the ballpark can’t see it, you are fully equipped to be the absolute highest and most powerful version of yourself there is. Choose to release the trauma and choose to embrace the bit of magic that is just on the other side.
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